@Brampersandon_

WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man

@Brampersandon_

FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*

@Brampersandon_

TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall

@Brampersandon_

[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket

@Brampersandon_

ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary

@Brampersandon_

MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol

@Brampersandon_

ADELE: hello from the outside

ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman

@Brampersandon_

JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*moves 2 ft over, puts on tie, nods*
ME: thats correct ur honor

@Brampersandon_

[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!

@Brampersandon_

INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness