WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*moves 2 ft over, puts on tie, nods*
ME: thats correct ur honor
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness