waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast