Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
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If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
I cannot call her anything else now
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.