@Breadery

When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.

@Breadery

There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.

@Breadery

Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?

@Breadery

Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.

@Breadery

Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.

@Breadery

Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.

@Breadery

*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?

@Breadery

Things I learnt from Avatar:

– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.

@Breadery

I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.

@Breadery

My daughter: Do you want a kiss daddy?
Me: Of course.
My daughter: Does it make you sad that no other girls want to kiss you?
Me: Thanks.