When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
My daughter: Do you want a kiss daddy?
Me: Of course.
My daughter: Does it make you sad that no other girls want to kiss you?