Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Follow us on Instagram. In case you are wondering "But Why!". We post nice "night mode" funny tweets that are easy on your eyes when you are lying down on your side and night and scrolling through your phone while trying to get numbed up and forget the day. Click here to follow us

Page of Breadery's best tweets

@Breadery : There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life's face to find she has deflated in the night.

@Breadery: Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?

@Breadery: Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you're now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.

@Breadery: Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you've got a good throwing arm.

@Breadery: Her: You're a pathological liar!
Me: ...and the King of Spain.

@Breadery: *Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?

@Breadery: Things I learnt from Avatar:

- Kill Smurfs while they're still young.

@Breadery: I want my hearse to have 'JUST DIED' written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.

@Breadery: My daughter: Do you want a kiss daddy?
Me: Of course.
My daughter: Does it make you sad that no other girls want to kiss you?
Me: Thanks.

@Breadery: If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.