detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
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“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
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Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
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Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
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KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
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Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
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I’m still very hungry.
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The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
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1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
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Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye