Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
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Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT