If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
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I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.