Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
Need WebMD
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”