2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.