“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.