Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.