[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
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Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.