Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
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[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”