Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance