[boss pulling me aside after the meeting]: I need you to quit calling me “m’lord”
*Into hospital bathroom emergency intercom*: um, someone put the toilet roll on backwards
every time I roll over in the middle of the night
[on a ladder vacuuming trees so I don’t have to rake]: everyone else is stupid
There are at least two things in this ad that caught my attention
kids are all grown up so I guess it’s time to teach the cat to drive
(HR hovering over my desk, glaring at my awesome fat 70s tie with a crisp double Windsor knot)
Me: omg now what
HR: shirts aren’t optional
Cat 1: hey let’s have a big fight and trash this place
Cat 2: ok, but let’s wait till the human is in a deep sleep for maximum effect
Cat 1: smart. imma barf between the couch cushions while he’s brushing his teeth tho
TSA agent: is…this a…cattle prod?
Me: it’s for the wankers who crowd the baggage carousel
TSA agent: oh right then. go ahead
If you pull this stunt in front of me at security stg I’ll call the cops
[Biker gang initiation]
Hey fellas, do I use baseball or hockey cards in my spokes
Shout out to the lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Me: (exists)
Wasp: I have opinions about that
you’d think the thing in my house with the most cat hair on it would be my cat
Filling my pez dispenser with ibuprofen for whimsical pain relief