Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
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ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
Just why bro?!
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
choose your gary
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator