“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.