Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
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*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood