All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
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*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets