Be the one that gets asked to remove the hockey mask, during a conference call, on Friday the 13th.
They should invent a self-checkout where someone else scans the items and puts them in a bag.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.