@bromanconsul

everyone smokes a bunch now and wants to die and has detailed opinions about art and it felt cool and interesting until I realized we’re just Becoming France

@bromanconsul

I would like to be Ratatouilled. where’s the rat who’s good at my job

@bromanconsul

hiking is this great activity where u drive to a beautiful place and then spend an hour staring at the ground 2 make sure u don’t fall over

@bromanconsul

sorry son. I know u had ur heart set on college but Grandma had to throw her massive diamond into the ocean to deal w some emotional stuff

@bromanconsul

GIRL NEARBY: I’m breaking up with you, Kevin. You don’t talk about Pokemon enough.
[I sit up straight and frantically try smoothing my hair]

@bromanconsul

LA girls say they want to go on “adventures” but when I pitch the idea of overthrowing the yakuza they clarify that they meant, like, hiking

@bromanconsul

people are like “pokemon is basically dogfighting” but tbh if a dog with ice powers fought a ghost dog I would probably peek over that fence

@bromanconsul

met the cutest girl today. her eyes were gentle, like the light from a phone screen and her smile glowed, like the light from a phone screen

@bromanconsul

congrats to those who made it onto my “Not A Lizard” spreadsheet in 2015. to the rest of u, better luck next year and/or die reptilian scum.