Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
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Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
Print is alive and well!!!
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.