me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up