me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
sigh
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means