first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal