mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for