me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?