@Browtweaten: Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That's him, officers
@Browtweaten: Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we've never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: ...
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
@Browtweaten: One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
@Browtweaten: Friend: Why are you crying?
Me: I'm having trouble dealing with my mom's passing
Mom: *chucks football* Learn to catch and you won't get hit, nerd
@Browtweaten: Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
@Browtweaten: Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying's a sin, Brenda
@Browtweaten: Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
@Browtweaten: Me, on phone: I'm too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: ... Than what?
Voice on other end: Moo.
@Browtweaten: FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child