captain: hand in your gun

me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger


me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?

guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes


me: how much is the funny smelling spray

clerk: perfume?

me: no the whole bottle


me: I’m stuck in a time loop

friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight

me: my watch is on too tight 🙂


me: any clue how my house burned down

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does


Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness

Astronomer: Hello


[During sex]

Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting

Me: It helps me in bed

Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS


[Using My Shrink Ray]

Me: I feel so small

Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that


Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*

Friend: When I said pet with the grain


Me: What should I wear on my date

Friend: An expensive dress shirt


Me: Hi

Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown