alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
oh good, now I can stop drinking
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
philosophical skeletons be like
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how