tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
*ernest hemingway voice*
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
life finds a way
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield