Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions