Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
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Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
Owl Sanctuary
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.