I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
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ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
thinking about a very short hotdog
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
NASA has no chill
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions