[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
You Might Also Like
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
my sentiments exactly
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Many hands make light work
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do