People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
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As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.