I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time