Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
You Might Also Like
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on