Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
Someone just threatened to call me later
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
January is lasting longer than my marriage
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth