doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
[drops the bass]
[gets fired from fishmongers]
me: thanks for doing this
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
gf: where’s that parcel from
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas