@CAshmanActor

[first day as a lion tamer]

me: don’t worry i totally researched this…

ring master: um ok

me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING

@CAshmanActor

cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours

my cat: *slowly pushes it off*

@CAshmanActor

me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree

my cat: *whispering* and also within

@CAshmanActor

[in bed]

gf: I thought we could experiment with toys

me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear

@CAshmanActor

gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky

me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata

@CAshmanActor

me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check

cop: that’s not how this works

@CAshmanActor

me: I’m into essential oils

pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite

me: canola

@CAshmanActor

me: great news! I passed the exam!

proctologist: that still doesn’t explain why you ate it

@CAshmanActor

doctor: we had to remove your appendix

JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves