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Page of CAshmanActor's best tweets

@CAshmanActor : me: *popping balloons*
kid: you're mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin

@CAshmanActor: boss: can you fit me into your schedule

me: schMEdule

@CAshmanActor: doctor: we’ve had your results back

me: what’s it look like

doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on

@CAshmanActor: me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand

@CAshmanActor: her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours

JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*

@CAshmanActor: [god inventing humans]

angel: what does it do

god: creates, loves, invents...

angel: awesome

god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character

angel: wtf

god: it also makes quiche

@CAshmanActor: [first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T H

C R E

O D

W

@CAshmanActor: gf: we can’t have another pet

me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots

@CAshmanActor: [buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter