Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of CAshmanActor's best tweets

@CAshmanActor : HER: I’m breaking up with you..

ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !

@CAshmanActor: me: I’ll take this goth pear

cashier: that’s an avocado

@CAshmanActor: [inventing jazz]
me: what if music w
l i
k e
i s

@CAshmanActor: [cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok ... um, this is john scallop

@CAshmanActor: [being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth

@CAshmanActor: me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite

gf: how did you get bitten by a tree

@CAshmanActor: interviewer: what was your last job

me: health angel

interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa

me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle

@CAshmanActor: me: *popping balloons*
kid: you're mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin

@CAshmanActor: boss: can you fit me into your schedule

me: schMEdule