[first day as a lion tamer]

me: don’t worry i totally researched this…

ring master: um ok

me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING


cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours

my cat: *slowly pushes it off*


me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree

my cat: *whispering* and also within


[in bed]

gf: I thought we could experiment with toys

me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear


gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky

me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata


me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check

cop: that’s not how this works


me: I’m into essential oils

pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite

me: canola


me: great news! I passed the exam!

proctologist: that still doesn’t explain why you ate it


doctor: we had to remove your appendix

JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves