her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s