‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …