me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
dictator is short for richard potato
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this