It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good