how was your vacation
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Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*