I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
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Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning