Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
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him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.