Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
You Might Also Like
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
what is cheese if not milk persevering
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
worst…sale…ever
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.