Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
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I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”