BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
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[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
Smallpox sounds so adorable
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling