Friend: Wanna go out tonight?
Me: You know the rule, man. I need to be notified at least 3 months in advance.
The sandwich I made for lunch didn’t even make it until 10am.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.